THE HEALED MIRROR

August 4th 1980. August 4th l995. This summer. Fifteen years ago, I enjoyed a transformation which was to go unnoticed by some people around me, but which was fantastic for myself. Those lumps which disgraced my chest, even though they were small, had disappeared. Bilateral mastectomy. These two packs of flesh didn't belong to me. No, that's wrong. They represented a femininity which was a source of concern to me. I felt broken into small, fragile pieces. My body had to correspond to the androgyny of my mind. That was fifteen years ago, and I am still happy that I was able to do it.

Psychically speaking, I felt deeply uneasy in a body very strongly characterized as female. Today, most of the time, I don't think about my operation. I'm recalling it these days, with empathy for all those, male or female, who are awaiting a transformation sometimes involving quite a few legal and medical hurdles to say the least.

For me, everything was sorted out very quickly within a year. My surgeon sent me to a psychiatrist who, in just one visit, decided that I could go ahead, while seriously warning me to be very careful. My determination was like steel. I had to die to be born again.

I wasn't considered to be psychotic enough for my decision to be hindered. I took full responsibility for my act, making this clear by signing an official document. I was the only one who could know whether I was right, and I was totally convinced that I was. I took the time to gather the necessary amount of money, and I was ready a year later.

I didn't want to follow any preliminary therapy; for me, it was urgent to dispense with that. I wasn't really interested in the hormonal treatment, and it seemed very burdensome to me. I wasn't too sure what I would do later on.

Being delivered brought me a lot of serenity, a release of creativity; I felt better within myself, I began to love life, and my action had drained away the few anorexic tendencies which were symptomatic of my former problem.

At the time, I had a friend who was also a confidant, who gave me moral help and support throughout this difficult experience. In my mind, however, it was very clear (and still is), that the identity of my soul lies in a lack of differentiation and in an androgyny of a rather feminine type… It is important to acknowledge people like me and to give them a place, and that's why I'm writing all this, after this journey, now that I am settled and well within myself and my life, emotionally and professionally. I wouldn't have felt socially at ease in a life really marked by my belonging to a particular sex, whether male or female. I am involved in an artistic business with varying demands on my time, where one's chosen gender is of little importance except with children, but then, they are not my main focus. Had I been born a man, I think I would have been rather androgynous and effeminate (I use this word with no pejorative connotation whatsoever).

Suppressing a part of my femininity allowed me to accept the rest: this way, my sexuality was at last released, and I have been able to enjoy the pleasures offered by female sex.

I remained alone for many years, and it was only after the age of 30 that I began a loving, sexual relationship with a man who has had a very natural understanding about what I was. When I made up my mind to have this operation done, it was clear to me that if one day someone was going to love me, he(she) would do so in spite of this, and even because of this (my androgyny).

At present, I can love without creating any sex distinctions or barriers. I can love people for their femininity, their virility, their androgyny, or all three together. As far as I'm concerned, I see the ideal love as being with someone who is fairly close to my own conception of soul and identity.

Now that I've been able to discover my femininity from a personal standpoint over these last few years, I increasingly feel the need to reaffirm my androgyny. My life is a constant give and take between the two poles, but it's now in harmony and no longer blocked by conflict.

My physical appearance doesn't allow me to play a really assertive masculine type. I look more like a little elf than Schwarzenegger. When it suits me, I can be very feminine, or appear so.

I chose to keep the part of my femininity which is in agreement with myself, but I didn't choose my identity, such as it is in my mind. This life experience, which was a suffering at first, will prove very rewarding. For me, things, life and fate have a hidden meaning within a cosmic order which is beyond the vision of ordinary eyes.

I think that I shall reach the real dimension of my being somewhere else; here, I just touch it lightly, I reach for it, often with happiness, thanks to love and creativity. Also thanks to my dreaming and to a very sharp perception of things.

The power of my imagination can make me feel beyond reality. I think we are all beings made of matter and spirit, but energy as well. For me the deployment of energy in sexuality can help one to cross the barrier of sexes.

I do not acknowledge the classic masculine values (domination, competitiveness, efficiency, lack of sensitivity). I think it would be in the interest of men of our time to really integrate their feminine side. Moreover, I can appear very cheeky and independent. I am an Amazon, in the literal meaning and in the figurative sense. As a child, I used to organize fashion shows for my dolls, and riots for my soldiers.

The "psy" tests meant to determine "real" transsexualism make me think twice. Therapies are of course necessary, but no human science is without mistakes; it must be careful not to get caught up in stereotypes.

I think I would be classified as being in the intermediate cases (transgendered), not to mention a Chinese puzzle to therapists, but definitely a personal evolutionary success.

A long time after my operation, about 5 - 7 years later, I started an analysis based on Jung's works, in order to know myself better, to deal in a better way with some types of anxiety, and to explore certain para-psychic capabilities. This reinforced my own self and my consciousness, and allowed me to develop more psychic strength.

When I was 20 (my operation took place when I was 22), physical fragility worried me sick. These days, I have abandoned the utopia of physical strength; 10 years of martial arts have calmed down my anxiety and my envies: today I no longer care and all this doesn't disturb the serenity of my mind in any way. One can change one's body, sex, or appearance, but changing the bone structure is far more difficult! Psychic strength is more important for me.

I must admit that somehow, I think that the superiority of male physical strength constitutes a kind of natural injustice. But then, I do have some female friends whose fitness and physical strength inspire me to dream.

When you have a closer look at it, everything about sexual differentiation makes us trip over a number of exceptions that cause us to think twice. If I had to come back to live another life in another body, my concerns would make me choose hermaphrodism; my beliefs and my imagination allow me to think that it would be in another world anyway.

I never regretted my action, at any moment of my life, and my physical peculiarity never caused problems as far as partners are concerned. Some (male/female) have known my itinerary (and this is the best thing in my opinion); some haven't, and didn't ask any questions at a time when I didn't feel like giving any explanation. These days, my aim is to assert my being and my "journey".

Today, I could say that my first transformation was enough to feel fine in my body, but I don't know how I shall live through the difficult step of menopause, as I find it rather hard to endure the suffering linked to the feminine condition. When the time comes, I might then take another track... I've always been lucky enough to be blessed with painless and discreet periods, therefore I didn't modify this aspect of my body. However, I have been surgically ligatured, so that no contraceptive malfunction, no matter how temporary, will send me back to living with an enslavement which is contrary to my person. Once again, I had to see a psychiatrist in order to obtain an authorization. Where is the right of women to use their body the way they want?

In conclusion, as I do have to bring this to an end, I would say that as opposed to transsexuals, whom I understand with all my heart, my problem is that I feel confined within a strictly masculine or feminine identity, whether or not it is in accordance with my genetic anatomic sex. And if you're wondering which planet I come from, I shall tell you, like Felicia did in "Priscilla, the Desert Drag Queen": "Uranus!"

P.S.: I do want to say that my testimony only constitutes a personal experience, and not an example to follow or avoid. My story is rather incredible in its development. It could have been a fiasco, but I'm lucky enough to possess within me an intuitive light just like anyone else may either have or develop. I can only wish that both patients and doctors will find the therapeutic solutions best adapted to EACH PARTICULAR CASE.